RanchWife 101...Calving Heifers In Your New Houseshoes...Not a Good Idea..

I have fallen down on my RanchWife 101 series. All the turmoil in the world seems to have taken over my thought process's and I need a mental break.And maybe you do as well..so here goes.

This time of year my DH is usually midwifeing around a few hundred head of first calf heifers. When I think of January, February and March I first think of wind, and then I think of heifers. Alas this year is the first year in a long long time that he hasn't had any. They sent them up to the mountains, I think they had a tad more rain then we did down here and the grass was better...so DH didn't have that aggravation this winter.

Calving heifers is an experience. As Forrest G. put it "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get." That applies to heifers as well. You never know what you will get. Some years he got nice docile girls. They would have their calves and just go on with life. Some years he got the hellish heifer types. They would not could not refused to calve without intervention. Intervention that they hated and did not appreciate. It seems like those came more regularly then the nice ones. But they are the ones that make the best stories.

I love Cabelas. I love my house shoes that came from Cabelas. They are expensive I mean 40 dollars for house shoes! It is a sin. And I sinned and I have 2 pair. Yes, and they are worn smooth out. I have flat feet and they hurt most all the time so when it comes to foot gear I will pay. My undies may come from Wally but my feet are pampered. So it was an exciting day several long years ago when the UPS man arrived in my driveway with my box from Cabelas. The minute I slipped my feet into those shearling lined leather shoes I was in love. I didn't want to take them off. I wanted to wear them to town. To church to bed. My feet were happy.

One lazy Sunday afternoon DH asked if I wanted to go to check heifers with him. He usually checked them a few times during the day and late afternoon just to make sure everyone was birthing the correct way and not needing his intervention. I was always happy to go because it gave us a few minutes of alone time...which with a house full of kids is very important. I grabbed my coat and started out the door. Then I looked down and remembered that I had on my house shoes. I thought then that I had better go get my boots...and DH who was tired of waiting on me, cause ya know I had to go to the bathroom, find my sunglasses, find my coat, try and decide if I just needed a jacket, get a drink, put on chap stick important things like that...well he was exasperated and told me to just come on and get it. Well OK.

Off we went. The first half of the pasture was fine. DH always did a rough count so far so good. The second half of the pasture was going fine, but he couldn't get his count right. The country is very open and looks flat but it isn't there are little holes here and there and if you have a heifer laying down she can be hard to see. We drove a little more and DH wanted to check a place that they all seemed to love to go. Of course it was the hardest one to see and get too due to the brush. And it was also the one fartherest from the house. Sure enough he drove up to where he could see and there she was. Laying there in all her birthing glory. Only she wasn't birthing. She was trying to birth...but the only thing that you could see was a little bit of the head. That isn't good. You need to see feet. Front feet. No feet means they are most likely turned back, that isn't good. DH walked up to her and she didn't even move. She was rolling her eyes and slobbering and gasping for air. Not good either. He did the CowboyGetTheHeifer up maneuver. This is very scientific. You kick her, while making weird sounds....like "hoeheifer". You have to do this low in your throat and add on some other weird sounds that just can't be explained or spelled. Sometimes there is also arm flapping and jumping involved....scare tactics I guess you would say. Then there is the inevitable lets give the ole gal a roll. This is very scientific and requires two people. DH being one and I being two. And I had on my new house shoes....I thought about sniveling but being married to the man as long as we have been married I know when to snivel and when not to snivel and this was a non-sniveling moment. I unloaded and picked my way through the brush and the cow patties. Then the big decision was the front end or the back end. Hummmm the back end was kinda of a mess...but the front end had the head which was a mess as well. The choice was hard...snotty nose stuff...or back end stuff. Hummmm...DH lost his temper and just told me to grab a leg any leg. He did not care about my new shoes. I opted for the head. I grabbed front legs and he grabbed back legs and we pulled, and got her rolled over. Well that didn't help. She still was just laying there. I should explain that he was trying to get her to stand up. When he found one down he would go get his horse and drive her to the house where he had his birthing center set up in the squeeze chute area. Well it wasn't going to work. He made an the decision that he was going to pull this calf right where she was. My heart sank. I knew from experience that this does not always go as planned. Sometimes it is just a disaster. I really wanted to ask him if I could please go to the house and change my shoes...but he didn't look happy and I decided against it.

He assembled his gear. Calving chains, come-a-long, and rubber gloves that went up to his shoulders...pigging string...short piece of rope that he would tie her back feet together so that she could not get up...if she was a mind too. It was time to proceed.

We tied her legs together, he donned his rubber sleeves, got down behind her and went in...searching for feet. At first the ole gal just laid there moaning and slobbering. OK so far so good. DH found the feet. He pushed the head back in and pulled out the feet...whew this looked like it might just turn out OK. He put the calving chain on the feet and hooked them up to the come-a-long. So far so good. Then he started to pull and the world exploded. Miss "I am at deaths door", came alive. She proceeded to try and get up. DH proceeded to knock her back down. She started bellering and bawling and flouncing around like a fish out of water. He hollered." sit on her neck!" No! not that! I hate that! I don't want to do that! Pleaseeeeeeeee don't make me do that! This was all internal by the way. He was in no mood to hear me whine. Although I did give him the "look", and I just got a "look" back. I proceeded to the head end which by now was very mad and glaring at me. Oh gosh I hated this. I grabbed a front leg and it was flying by my face, I gauged the right moment and pulled it and dropped down on her neck holding her down, or trying to with my knee while cocking her leg back over my waist. They whole idea was to try and prevent as much movement as I could while....don't hate me....cutting off her air.....just a little not enough to kill her just enough to calm her down. Do you know how strong a cow is? Especially one that is mad? Well let me tell you there was no chance of me killed her....She slung me one way then another snot blowing dirt blowing, DH was pulling away, at this point I was holding on for dear life. If I let go she was going to knock me to kingdom come. Finally I heard something and I caught a glance out of the corner of my eye...DH had the calf out and he was holding him upside down trying to drain the gunk out of his lungs. Hell Heifer stopped with her nonsense long enough for me to kinda fall off of her. DH drug the calf up to her head where she could see and smell him. He untied her back feet,and we gathered up his medical tools and proceeded to leave them to their bonding.

As we walked away I glanced at my new wonderful 40 dollar house shoes. I wanted to cry. They were covered in stuff. Cow stuff, both ends of cow stuff accented by dirt. Dirt on the outside and dirt in the inside. Sniff sniff. But I trudged on.

Suddenly the hair on the back of my neck stood to attention. What was that noise? Why was the ground shaking? OK that is an exaggeration...it wasn't really shaking...but there was this pounding sound. DH and I glanced back at the same time....oh no hell heifer had arisen from the dead and she was mad. She was running a kind of wobbling run and she had blood in her eye. She was coming for us! What to do! Run! Do you know that house shoes are not made for sprinting. No only that my body was not made for sprinting. If God has intended me to run he would have given me longer legs. But run I did. Good thing I didn't have to run far, good thing I had left the pickup door open, good thing white girls can jump, sorta. I jumped in the pickup and slammed the door behind me....whew....Then I had a thought...where was DH he was right behind me....right behind me....oh my...I shut the door! I let hell heifer kill my DH the father of our offspring...the offspring that would now be fatherless because their mother was a shameful coward and thought only of her own safety. I inched toward the window I didn't want to look, but look I must. I pried my eyes open and looked ready to see my DH's broken body ravished by the mad heifer from hell. Hummmm I saw her she was snorting and pawing dirt and slinging her head in circles....but where was DH?

Then I heard something...a sound coming from the roof of the pickup, then I saw boots hanging down on the off side...then I heard a thud and a blur of a body dropping down on the same off side of the pickup. The door opened...DH slide into the drivers seat, looked at me and said...." Why did you shut the door? I was right behind you and before I could get in you shut the door." I had not the words. I just looked at him and he just looked at me. Finally I asked him how he got away from her. I guess as the door was slammed in his face by his brave and considerate wife, him having a surge of Adrenalin jumped and grabbed the top of the feeder and pulled himself to safety. The shame of it all. Sniff Sniff.

We made our way home. I apologized profusely over and over, and did a little sniveling as well. And after a bit we decided it was pretty funny. DH never stays mad long. And he got a kick out of telling me that I cannot run. Which I know and it is a very sensitive subject, and any other time would have probably hurt my feelings..But I decided to be a grown up and get over it. I cleaned up my shoes and wore them about 4 years..they always had these strange stains on them...but oh well. They serve as a reminder of the day that I almost scarified my DH to the heifer from hell.

God Bless and Happy Trails
RanchWife