I hate cats.

Ok I know that I have tread upon the toes of all you cat lovers out there, but this is, my blog and I can say whatever I want, voice my personal opinion, and basically not be PC, that is politically correct. Sooo I will say it again, I hate cats!

For what ever reason, we have been over run with mice, and yikes! RATS. I also hate mice and rats. I actually hate them much more than cats. Did you notice that cat, and rat rhyme?? Makes you wonder..... Oh well back to my story. A friend of mine, who will remain nameless, called me the other day. She had a lead on a whole herd, flock, oh yes, litter of barn cats. I could have as many as I wanted. Well with the dark thoughts of one day being attacked while retriving meat out of my freezer from a rabid rat I decided I did indeed need a feline or two. Now we have had numerous cats out here on the ranch before, to many to count, non had names they were just your run of the mill mousers. But we have been fresh out for close to a year. My husband says they die to fit the range, I really can't explain that saying, its a cowboy thing. Anyway I got it in my head that we needed those cats, and fast!

Nathan, son # 2, and I loaded up in the little green pickup, large dog carrier in the back, and off we went, on a quest to save the ranch from.....The GREAT RODENT INVASION OF 07, I know it will be in all the history books, you just wait and see. Well as I said off we went, with Nathan riding shotgun and reading the directions that I had written down on a napkin, in crayon. Did I mention that Nathan is 8, and that his reading is well......lets just say we need a little practice. Did I mention that we were on a quest? When people are on a quest there is a certain determination, a certain zeal,,we were driven, yes driven, and we did succeed. We found the lair of....the devil cat.

We pulled up , and the nice lady took us to where the cats lived, a dark, dank, dingy....no not really, I am getting alittle carried away. Actually it was a beautiful place, warm and inviting,an altogether lovely country home. The kitties were innocently sunning themselves on the porch, Mama nearby A pretty little black and white, a couple of calico's. I was impressed, our cats are usually..not what you would call prime specimens. As we proceeded to gather up said kitties, the whole atmosphere seemed to change, where once were pretty kitties sunning themselves on the porch there were wild, hissing, clawing, wanna tear your eyes right on your head little furballs! We managed to load 4, did I mention that I was bleeding by this time? Then the nice lady said that she had 4 more caught , they were older, and I could have them as well. Did I just go brain dead, a small stroke, I don't know, it was if this voice that I didn't know, that seemed to be coming from me, said...sure.

We walked over to a large dog carrier, it seemed to be moving, a low growling sound came from within. I stooped over to have a look. As I peered in, 4 pairs of green eyes looked back. Suddenly a body, black as the night sprung through the air, hissing, clawing, clinging to the door of the cage. That seemed to be the signal, More black bodies, claws flashing, teeth gleaming,those green devilish eyes...{ shudder} leaping again and again against the sides of their prison. I knew if the door ever came open, it would be all over. But I was brave, right? I mean I am a ranch wife, I wasn't going to let any ol kittie kitties keep me from the task at hand. With steely determination, we proceeded to pick up the carrier, and carry it to the pickup. Did you know that those plastic dog carriers have these little holes all the sides? Vents I suppose. Did you know that a mad cat can get his paws out of those holes, and he doesn't care if your fingers on in those holes? Did I mention that I was bleeding again? Cats loaded, and with growling and hissing noises coming from containers, the mission was accomplished, Nathan and I headed out, back to the ranch.

Arriving back home, we proceeded to unload the little darlings. More of the same, hissing, low growls, clawing through the sides of the carrier. We promptly place the carrier out of dogs way up on top of the salt table in the barn. You are probably wondering what a salt table is...it is a big platform thingie, that they place all the salt and mineral bags on, keeping it neatly up off the barn floor, and making it easy to load on the back of the ranch pickup. This is where we placed the green eyed monsters. I figured that they needed to cool off and get used to the surroundings before being set free to wreck havoc on the rat population. The little cat devils in training we took up to the kitchen porch much to my dear husbands disdain. I hate cats, he loathes them. he has been know to say things like, " I wish I had some bacon grease, I would smear it on his head and turn the dogs loose." Now DH is not a cruel man, and that is all just talk, he wouldn't really...At least I don't think he would...But you have to understand. My husband is an avid leather worker. He makes saddles, boots, chaps,you know cowboy stuff. And he does alot of his work in the barn shop. Being an old barn, there is no way to critter proof it. So at the different times that we have had cats, they have visited his domain, and well, you know how tomcats are. They are experts at making their territory. Not just once, but several times...a day. Now when a mans domain is defiled in that way, it is not good. Especially when he reaches for a $100.00 hide of some sort and it is covered with tomcat juice. That does not make for warm fuzzy feelings toward kitties. Fortunately he now has his own special little shop, and it is cat proof.

I have to tell a cat story. We did have one cat that he just adored, well adored might be a little strong. He liked her a little. This cats name was Bessie, and she was half manx, half ?. There was not rattlesnake born in the whole state of Texas that was meaner then this cat. If you looked up stalker in the dictionary her picture would be there. She loved stalking you. Especially at night, especially when you were on your way to the bathroom in the middle of the night and you were half asleep. Bare feet, they were her target. You could not sit and pet her, you could not cuddle her, she made the rules, and you had better follow them. One evening we had the new folks in the community lets make them welcome visit from the Baptist preacher. Things were progressing very well, it was a pleasant visit until.....I noticed movement. Stalking kind of movement. Right behind the pillows on the sofa,Oh no, she wouldn't, would she? Just as I arose to intercept her. She pounced, right on his head, spun out,and leaping off, kept going, into the darkness of the bedroom. Needless to say, we never had another visit from the preacher.

The little devil cats, after I braved life and limb to remove them from the carrier, had a nice case of pink eye. How did I miss that? Had they just developed it in the last hour on the ride home just to spite me? Was it a conspiracy? Oh woe is me! On top of being mean, they were sick. This just was not a good idea, what was I thinking. Ok calm down, think. I catch one of the little critters, take warm water, start to wash his little evil eyes. Does he appreciate it. No. More hissing, more clawing. But I am in charge now, you will not win. What do you do with a naughty kitten you really must doctor? You wrap them in a towel. Yes just like a little hissing mummy. All wrapped up I was able to clean up there eyes, and all got a good dose of antibiotic eye salve. I think it belonged to a horse with an eye condition at one time, but I doubt he minds sharing.

At this point the dogs are beside themselves. Ginger, is at the point of a nervous breakdown. Sugar the beagle thinks it is her duty to bay at them, after about the third round of beagle baying , the kitties are near a nervous breakdown. Maggie, the border collie, just keeps circling the yard, tongue hanging out, beady eyes gleaming, let me at um, let me at um. Rosco, and the big white dog, are just kinda hanging to see if anything will run. Yes we have 5 dogs. We are dog people. We are now dog people with 7 cats.

Later that evening, daughter #1, and her dh come over for supper. Jen decides she would like to have a cat, of course I say no because I really want to keep them all for myself. Ha, just kidding. Of course she can have a cat, she can have 2 cats, or ever how many she would like. Did I mention that daughter #1's husband hates cats. I know not the reason, I think it just to painful for him to talk about. But being the wonderful doting husband that he is he relented..to one cat. One cat only, and only if it was an outside cat, no inside cats! Well daughter #1 seemed to be a little disappointed about the 1 cat, no cats in the house rule, but she gathered herself up, and went out to pick out her new pet. Her cuddly, soft, snugglebunny of a cat.

Jen opted for the older more mature savvy felines. Picking one out, my dh, her doting father, reached in and pulled out.......a cat.......a cat that did not want to be stuffed in a cardboard box. A cat that had earlier that afternoon been transported 40 or so odd miles from his home,then was forced to sit in a container, with a obnoxious border collier barking at him, a cat that was not a happy cat to begin with. Off into the night did he go. Oh well there were 3 more, and they were all the same color. Here we go again, this cat did not like to be stuffed in the box any more then the other one did. Another escape! Not to worry, 2 more are left, or they were before they began leaping to their freedom. So what now? I hope that daughter # 1 appreciates all the things that her deal ole dad will do for her. Donning leather gloves, off he went in search of the elusive kitty. Finally he found one cowering underneath his ranch pickup. With all the speed and cunning of a rattlesnake he grabbed it, passed it to John, who promptly threw it in the trunk of Jen's car, slammed the lid shut, and off they went in a blaze of glory. I understand when they got home kitty was curled up in a ball sound asleep, go figure.

We are a few days into cat ownership. Two of the little kitties have passed on to their great reward. Here is some advice, don't bring home sick cats. Two are pretty frisky. I thought the three in the barn had left for parts unknown, until...... This morning I was out in the barn helping dh clean, whole nother story there. All at once I felt a shiver go over me, I felt like I was being watched, creepy. Slowly I turned, scanning the shop. Gasp! sitting on my deep freeze, twitching his tail, green eyes boring holes in me, a slight low growl, was that a hiss,I swear I never say his lips move, was........demon cat! I am thinking that a case or two of bar bait might have been the way to go.

God Bless and Happy trails
Ranch Wife